A Little Mental

Since Mo, I have been out without her 7 times and she is turning 7 months on the 16th February, so that’s around once a month. I know it is hard to say and many mums don’t wanna say it cos it makes them feel like a bad mum, but you need to get a breather from your kids once in a while. It is hard being a mum 24/7, the late nights, constantly worrying about your child, thinking of things you could do to make their lives easier. But in order for us as parents to give our children the best life possible, is by giving ourselves a break, whether it be a simple coffee with the friends, going out for a meal, clubbing or even booking a hotel for ourselves just to RELAX. IT’S HARD.

When she was first born, she had a lot of trapped gas, whether you burped her or not, she still had it, and she will cry endlessly, even when we gave her gripe water (which I recommend either giving it to them with a bottle, makes their life a whole lot easier). She would still scream, no matter what I would do, whether I gave her breast, held her against my chest, gave her the bottle, she just wouldn’t stop. And I would think that I was not doing a good job and I would literally break down, I would cry as well, I would be thinking what have I done, what am I going to do. It’s stressful. I didn’t want to turn to anyone and tell them what I was going through because I felt like I would be burdening them with my problems when they must already have their own problems.

Until my mother and my sister told me to go out, because I have not been out for 2 days before I gave birth to Mo, they told me to go carnival with my friends and try and relive a little bit of my old life, knowing that my daughter was safe with them no matter what. And if anything they would call me. I didn’t want to go, it was hard but I had to get some fresh air, for myself, try to get the thought that I was being a bad mum out of my head. And when I tell you… THE FIRST BREATHE OF FRESH AIR!!!!!! I enjoyed myself, I loved it. I felt so good. I felt like I was the old me since I had, had my child.

I felt bad thinking that sometimes I needed to get away from her, I needed to have a break from being a mum. I needed to be free. But those times I get away for even 2 hours, 3 hours. I come back feeling a little more refreshed and ready to take on everything that comes my way. I deserve a break.
Going out with my friends, my sister (who is my best friends, and one of my biggest supporters), gives me a breath of fresh air. And I get excited whenever I get that chance again to go out. I go to the gym whenever I can, I get my own chance to release stress and relax, by a simple job, a simple work out. Or sleeping while her father is watching her or her grandmas, or my sister or her other aunties.

I have seen a lot of people claim that their parents affected their mental health, maybe what we haven’t considered is that their mental health is not in the right state, if we don’t want to be like our parents in some way we need to a=make the change with ourselves .work on our mental health in order to support our children in the best way possible. To all my parents out there, you are not alone if you think you are. There will be times where you feel like you are close to bursting; because you’re stressed you have lot o stuff on your mind. But there is always someone out there is who is ready to listen.

If you have been having negative thoughts and feeling rather down, this is whether you have a child or not, there are so many agencies out there that will listen and try and help you. There will be family members and friends to talk through stuff with you. Call your GP or 111 at times your GP is not available and try and make an appointment. The first stage to getting better, or reducing those negatives feelings that you may have is by putting yourself one step ahead of everyone if other alternatives don’t work. If you’re one step ahead, your child will be able to continue to follow

I’m always here to listen if you just need to let it all out.

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A Father

Changing nappies. HORRID. Watching him now, it’s hilarious, Mo is weeing and laughing at him, while the poor man struggles to catch his breath over the pungent smell. “Do you smell that, do you hear that” LOL. He’s going through the wipes like they don’t cost money. “If you pee on my bed, you and I are gonna have problems” LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

The process of watching him change the baby is funny, but he’s trying, I love it. Especially with Mo’s naughty stage reaching its peak. He loves to talk to her while he’s changing her, he believes that she understands what he is saying, telling her to relax when she tries to touch her poo, or try and sit up while being changed. It’s wonderful seeing her actually listen and reply to him in some ways, with her dadadadadada. As he picks her up, she looks a splitting image of him, his face but my skin tone. He loves his daughter and I glad my child has an amazing father who will be there for her while she grows to guide her through the stages.

As a mother I try my hardest to ensure that I always include her father in everything that she does, so he never feels left out, he never feels as if he is not involved no matter what he does, I promise myself I will never speak a bad word about her father in front of her, even at this young age that she is at, she might not remember what I say but I still do not want it to have a bad effect on her and her fathers relationship. Mine and my father’s relationship is not where it should be, and neither is his and his fathers, which makes me more determined to ensure she is close to both of understands knows no matter what we have each others back no matter what.

I want my child to see that I and her father have a good relationship and this means constant communication, forgivness and no hate, just love and positivity. I want to know what he struggles with as being a father, what he feels he needs to impove on and what he loves the most, so I can support him the best way I can. And make our daughter the happiest little girl there is.  So I wanted to know his side of being a parent and understand it, from pregnancy until now.

“When I first found out Mira was pregnant, I couldn’t speak, I had no words, no sound would come out of my mouth. I deeped it. I’m going to be a father, someone is going to depend on me and I have to do everything in my will and my power to ensure that she is the happiestchild in the world, no matter what. The first time I saw the scan, I wanted to cry. That baby growing inside of her was my baby. My little girl. When I started to feel the tummy, talk to the tummy, that’s when I felt like a father. Mira would call me at 2am in the morning just for some food, cos she was hungry and to be honest it gave me a reason to be there for her. To be close to my daughter. When my boys ask me what is like being a father, I couldn’t say much, apart from smile. There is no way to describe it.”

“When I first held Mo, I just looked at her and all I could see is me, a little female me. If I had the chance to change anything, I would be there more. I wouldn’t want to miss anything. The hardest thing about being a father is not being there all the time, when I’m away from i miss her, I slyly hate myself for not being there for her.  But whenever I’m with her, I don’t want to let her go, every time I see her again it’s like holding her for the first time.”

“I can’t wait for the future, watching her grow; when she first said ‘dada’ I was like yeahhhhhhhh. I want her to be able to open to me and talk to me about anything; I want to be her best friend. Those stages that she’s going through. I fear that I will fail as a father, she won’t love me, she might not think I am good enough of a father for her. I wanna support her and follow her dreams”

“If anybody comes in the way to harm my daughter, I don’t know what I will do”

“I’m thankful that I and Mira have an understanding parent relationship. We always find a way to communicate effectively even when we are both not in the mood. Mira is my shoulder to lean on, someone I know no matter the circumstances, she’s my number one. The reassurance that she gives me, makes me know that I can be a better father and I am doing a good job.

I understand that it’s not always going to be peaches and roses, it’s not always going to be smelling of fresh, we will argue, we have argued. But we will work through it because we are parents first. We need to support each other. Talk through things that we are struggling with and find a to move forward. Communicate. Be Honest with each other.

The End of The Beginning

My Motivation  

Saturday 14th July 2018, my little cousins 8th birthday party my mucus plug broke, I was one step closer to having my little girl in my arms. Prior to this, I was 2cm dilated for like 2 weeks, I was having small contractions, or what I thought were, turns out they were Braxton hicks. Literally, the next 48 hours I was in so much pain, moving around was difficult, when I found somewhere comfy, I would stay there, I would not move. I loved being there, it slyly eased the pain, but the problem with my contractions they would come irregularly, they would give me hell for around 2-3 hours coming constantly to the point I could not move anymore, then they would just STOP.  

Sunday 15th July 2018, this day. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO this day. THIS DAY YEAH! Was just the start, the contractions were coming every hour, I would be enjoying my life and then BAM I couldn’t move at all. My family tried their hardest to keep distracted but needless to say, I was rather blunt and rude, from I have been told. But I was in pain, I was hurting it was a valid excuse. All I can say was I just wanted to pain to stop. My two girls Shaz and T came over to keep me company and I cannot lie, without them two and my sister I would not have been entertained in my last few hours of pregnancy. They made me laugh. To the point where I wee’d myself. They wanted Mo to come out as much as I did, so they made me go on walks, a good 20-minute walk (I had about three contractions during this time). We got back to my house, my brother had brought the spare mattress downstairs as I could not get up the stairs. He set up blankets, pillows, my favorite teddy. Everything that would make me feel comfortable. Although I was not.  

Monday 16th July 2018, the day she came. It was around 1 am in the morning, I was able to sleep for around 2 hours, then I started walking around the house, my girls were all sleeping, I couldn’t, I snapped at my little sister, so she ran upstairs as I had annoyed her. I sat on the couch watching big bang theory on the TV, but of course, I was constantly switching from channel to channel, slowly waking my girl T up sadly. I dozed off after a while. Woke up around 4 and started watching say yes to the dress. My girl T was getting comfy on the couch, while I laid on the mattress, it was half 4 nearly quarter to 5 and I felt like I wet myself. My water had broke. I woke T up, well she was awake just made her a little more awake. I screamed for my mum, and my sister, well for anyone who would wake up. The contractions didn’t start until around 5:30, and the pain was crazy, I was walking around to try and ease it and take my mind off it. The contractions were coming every 30 minutes or so, and getting more and more painful. NOTHING HOW IT LOOKS LIKE ON ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE NOTHING!!!! My whole birthing plan went out the window, all the “natural birth”, “no medication”, “just breathing”. BLOODY BULLSHIT. I wanted the whole shebang, the epidural, I wanted the gas and air I wanted anything that could ease the pain. ANYTHING! 

My contraction started getting more constant, coming every 15 minutes, my mother calls the hospital and they said If the contractions come every 3-5 minutes then I should make my way to the hospital. So, in this case, I ran myself a bath, a nice warm bath and OMDS THAT EASEDDDDDDD IT NICELY. The contractions were coming but it was barrable within the bath, I was relaxed. Until my water started leaking more and I got out the bath (don’t believe everything you see on TV). I laid on my bed and the contractions started to become more intense, lasting longer. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. We called my uncle and he drove us to the hospital. He made me put a towel on the seat of his new car. I was explaining to my mum in Swahili, how I was desperate for a dump and she was telling me it could be the baby pushing against my anus. Wanting to come out and if I push, I could be pushing prematurely and that could damage me and the baby. So I held it in, although I felt that biryani, the urojo, the chapati (Swahili food) pushing against me wanting to come out.  

At the hospital, they examined me and said that I was 4cm dilated, 6 cm to go. It was the longest 10 hours of my life. I wanted to take a shower, as I knew that would ease the pain, I stood under the shower for a good 30 minutes and the feeling of having a poo decreased until I got out and then the feeling of pooing came back again. The midwife asked me what would make the most comfortable, I said being within water, so they arranged a water room for me, so I can be in the bath, they recommended that I should not shout or scream as it would decrease the energy that I have already. It was hard not to scream. But I slyly managed, screaming only a couple of times. As I got into the tub, I could see some more discharge coming out, the water felt like a nice warm, comfy, although the midwife had to increase the cold water as it would have been really hot instead of the womb for the baby. And for some reason, I had a fit within the bath and therefore I had to exit and be placed on a kind of sofa, seat. But it was comfy. As the pain increased, I asked for an epidural, but my midwife claimed that I was doing fine, that I was okay. WELL, NO IM CRYING. Instead, they put me on gas and air and I can tell you right now. IT FELT GOOD. I FELT CALM. I FELT RELAXED. THE PAIN EASED. I miss gas and air. I seriously do. But the poo feeling was still there, therefore my midwife said, I can poo if it makes me feel better, and I did and it reduced the pain by a lotttt, I just wasn’t allowed to push too hard, because of the baby.  (It is totally normal to poo during labour, I thought I was a bit of a tramp in doing so, but it happens to a lot of people)

 With the gas and air, time flew past, by the time I saw the midwife next, I was fully dilated and ready to push. They said no gas and air. NO GAS AND AIR. NO GAS AND AIR. The highness I felt. Gone. Just pains.  

I was pushing for a good 30 minutes. I was crying, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, I felt weak, I had no energy. No movement, I just wanted the pain to stop. Before I have my past push, I fainted for around 3 seconds and then let out a huge scream and then all I could hear was her crying. My mum and my sister crying. I was crying.  

I held her, I felt warm, she was warm, she was soft, she was very wet. So squiggie. She was tiny. So small. No feeling in the world could recreate the first moment you hold your child in your arms. The joy, the happiness you feel, the positivity you feel. All the turmoil that I went through during my pregnancy, all the late, the long and the dragging shifts. All the stress. Was worth it. It was worth every moment. I was blessed to hold this little angel in my arms. I have never felt so close to someone ever.  

I kept thinking and planning about how this day would have gone, I thought I could have predicted, I was so hell bent on having one like the show one every minute, I wanted to look beautiful when I first saw my daughter, wearing makeup, looking on fleek. But it wasn’t like that. It was better. It was something I could not have imagined, a feeling that I could not imagine. 

A moment that cannot be replaced. A moment that cannot be compared. Mira’s and Mo’s moment. 

Monday 16th July 2018. 7:25pm. 6lb 10oz

Changes To The Body

Changes to the body 

Before I got pregnant, I was at the gym on a regular basis, making sure my body looked top notch, I wanted to look my best, ya know. Like when you’re young, you don’t want to be uncomfortable. At any age tbh. Well, after two months of working out I lost around 10lbs, my bottom was looking tantalizing, my waist was looking small. I knew if I continued working out, I would accomplice my goal. What I didn’t account for was me being pregnant. As I’m was still going to the gym while I was pregnant (at this time I did not know I was pregnant) and I was gaining weight so I would break down to my sister over the phone, I was so confused. I had missed my period, although whenever I enter a new environment, a new routine my period normally does not come for a few weeks and I will get it really heavy. Not once did it cross my mind that I was pregnant.  

Anyways I went home for the winter holiday and I walked out my room wearing my gym outfit and my brother commented, “Mira are you pregnant, your belly has gotten big!”, let me not lie this got me vexed like I was thinking he called me fat, nonetheless did not know I was really pregnant. After that comment while I was at the gym, I started contemplating whether it was possible, I told myself, when I got back to university, I would take a test. I did. And well, yeah.        

  LOL 

Anyways, during my pregnancy, I continued going to the gym whenever I could, whenever I felt like going and I really thought that me going gym would make the bump that I had smaller, it worked for a while until around the 26 weeks when I told my parents and to be honest it was so clear to see. It was hard to hide.  

5/6 weeks before giving birth, my stomach literally exploded. It was HUGE, my siblings started calling me puffy Nicki, and (this was because I used to say my stripper name would be fatty Minaj). I loved my bump, my little princess was in there, but at the same time, I wanted to cry, no matter how many times my family would tell me I looked beautiful, no matter how many times I was told I don’t look fat. It was a huge change for me. I was finally getting the body I wanted, and then instead of having abs and a flat stomach I had stretch marks and bump. While all my friends were wearing these bike shorts, I was wearing tracksuits in the hot summer heat to cover my bump (not just because I was self-conscious). I kept telling myself, after pregnancy I would go straight back to the gym once I stop bleeding, I would get my body back within 3 months if I go to the gym every day. Clearly, that was truly unrealistic.  

Like I saw all these celebrities having their snap back so fast, I wanted to be like that, but my craving was junk food, wherever I had the chance I would get take away, silly, but the baby wants what the baby wants.  After a pregnancy that really affected me, I had gained 20 kg; I went from being 72kg with a nice thick body to 92kg. I was really distraught I thought there was no way I could get back to my old body and tbh that made me feel so down, so upset and low. I had stretch marks on my belly still, my fupa was back, my bum felt saggy, my thighs got huge. I went from a size 12 to a size 16/18. I jumped three sizes. THREE SIZES. At first, I blamed the father of my child, then I blamed myself, it was really an emotional roller coaster. I did not feel comfortable in any of my clothes, all my old clothes didn’t fit me, and I had to get a whole new wardrobe. I never felt so unlike me. I tried to starve myself but, that wasn’t working I just felt too drained to even take care of my own daughter, come on. I was like what kind of a mother does that make me, putting my own needs before my child. 

But I thank God that I have such a supportive family, my sister herself wanted to lose weight and my mother had also had a baby and she was feeling very similar to me. So, we made it out a plan to lose as much weight as possible within 3 months to at least feel ourselves. We ate healthy, worked out every night and every morning. Went for walks with the kids instead of taking the car, we would be having fun dancing competitions and overall, I dropped back to my size 12, I still have my fupa a bit, but I’m starting to get back to how I used to feel. Active. Comfortable. Beautiful.  

Throughout the whole time I was I was putting myself down, making me self-feel worthless and bigger than I was, I was really missing the old me, I was jealous of what I had before. No stretch marks, able to go gym anytime I wanted, just living my best life. But I am no longer that person, I’m a different woman. We all are, there will be times when you just want to go back to your old life, and you will get sometimes to experience it again. But what I’ve learned is that I need to accept who I am, adapt to it, it starts by taking care of yourself, understanding how you work, and what works with you. It takes time, people get used to it differently, But the body changes a lot, learn to love yourself. Love the new person you have become and don’t let your own thoughts, your demons put you down. 

Milestones of Motherhood with Mira

Introduction

I have only been a mum for around five and a half months and to be honest with you, it can be draining but I know everything worth it. Being a mother can be challenging, it is literally one of the hardest jobs we have, but yet one of our favorites. And as I have come to realize is that I really would not have it any other way. I have faced many difficulties during my pregnancy and since becoming a mum but all those have made me stronger. All the stages that my daughter has gone through, all the milestones that she has made, the way she has grown, from this tiny little human that could be held in just one hand, to this little cheeky 5-month-old that is sitting down watching Peppa pig with admiration and pleasure. 

Although, being a mum like I have said before. IT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST JOBS. (Being a parent tbh, let me not just stick to the mother here), it can take a mental toll on you, many may suffer from postnatal depression, which can really and truly affects everyone surrounding the baby, not just the mother, but siblings and fathers. And it’s something that needs it to be talked about often, so people who are just getting used to having a new baby in the house know that there are people out there to talk to about the thoughts and feelings they might be having and help them adapt to the change. Even me, myself I’m suffering from it, it’s hard. It makes me want to cry at times and feel like there is nothing I can do to help my daughter, I feel distant from her. But when I talk to someone about it I feel slyly better, because I know that I’m not the only one going through it. All the negatives thoughts are not just affecting me; there is a huge world of people out there who might not feel the same way as I do, but similar. 

What I have figured out is that having mummy friends, friends who are parents around my age, HELPED ME A GREAT AMOUNT, because they knew what it is like especially within a certain community, especially within a different generation everything is different. And having communication to express your feelings may help. Even having a break from the baby for a few hours, a time to remember ourselves, what we used to be, what we can still be, and who we still are. 

I started this, not just to help myself with how I’m feeling, but also to help others. So, they know that they are not alone. And they do not have to go through motherhood alone. It takes a village to raise a child. Every milestone that I take, I’m going to document, to help another mother, who might think she’s doing wrong, who perceives that she is not doing enough. Yet they are doing an amazing job. You are all are doing an amazing job.

Milestones Of Motherhood with Mira